Existence

Today it feels like I'm some sort of crossroads.

I no longer am able to distinguish between past, present, and future.

Spack would tell me right now that the past and future *are* present.

I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's extremely confusing. I find the not being able to distinguish rather frustrating. I've just never witnessed frustration leading to many positive experiences in my life, but maybe this is one of them?

It's certainly been a weird summer. For the first time in, oh, 9 years I guess, I'm not in love... or even pretending that I am. Having the last year to reflect and work to get to that point has been a rough and diligent process. I've sacrificed so much, and for the first time, I'm starting to see the rewards. Now I feel like I can have whatever it is that I want, as long as I'm willing to work and be patient, and the possibilities are fucking endless (pardon my portuguese). It's both overwhelming and exciting.

I never had any idea that by opening one door would have such a domino effect and lead to countless others being opened. It kind of reminds me of the floodgate in a picture that I drew... more on that later.

Now there is this abundance of information. I just don't know how to process it or where to even begin. I almost feel like all of the physical issues I've had in the last several months are culmination of all the information I've collected.

My favorite analogy lately... look at your stomach and what do you see... a wall outlet or a leaky faucet? I'm not really into any of the new age credo, philosophy, science, what have you... but it's been pointed out to me by some that I exert some massive levels of energy, that is felt by others, and well, I believe that. Anyway, the energy flows from your stomach/wall. You can either unplug it, and be done with it, or you can choose to moderate it and control it by turning the handle on the faucet. I've always chosen the faucet, and that often gets me in trouble. I've never felt brave enough to pull the plug on anything; however, I do feel like I'm getting there. This is something that I've been meaning to create. Creating something tangible often has a greater effect than just leaving it to swirl around in your mind for months on end.

It did strike me, while writing this, the doors, the floodgate... the domino effect. The floodgate is something I've never wanted to open, because I thought the result would be unbearable and just too painful. It's none of those things. Confusion, frustration, excitement - yes, but no pain. It's the vision of light and warmth in the darkness. I'd given up on that idea, and I'm starting to think maybe that was not my choice to make. Maybe a trip to Chicago will be required so that I touch base, and see where things are. Maybe Chicago will come to me.

I'm just amazed. Everyone and everything plays a role in your life. This sounds bad, but everyone in my life feels like a chess piece to me right now. Maybe it is time to stop playing games... or maybe I need to start. I'm just not even sure there is any right or wrong answer.

And August is upon me... the timing couldn't be better.

It also just occurred to me that my dreams lately have been loosely themed around running water... streams, shallow streams in buildings, doctor fish, water filling up rooms, soaking into the carpet. FLOODGATE!

Gah. I hate this stuff. I am need of deep, involved converstation right now. The one person I want to talk to has pretty much dropped off the map, even though I'm pretty sure she lives just a few blocks from here. Actually, I think I know someone else who can fill that slot, and make some sense of this dribble. I think that person might be the catalyst in all of this anyway.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......